Let's Predict Royals Baseball

Or at least baseball-adjacent. Kinda.

If you don’t care about the baseball(ish) stuff, I do have an update on my condition at the bottom of the post.

The start of the MLB season might just be my favorite time of the year, with grass greening, flowers blooming, birds chirping. The first day of baseball also brings with it some comfort. A renewed hope. Warmer spring weather. The Colorado Rockies being eliminated from postseason contention.

It also means you’re going to see a plethora of terrible predictions. Luckily for you, I only make incredibly accurate and oddly specific predictions. In fact, I kept this list shorter than I originally planned because MLB officials wouldn’t allow me to divulge too much for the upcoming season, for fear of such knowledge impacting their partnerships with dozens of gambling apps.

So let’s get to it.

Technically, MLB Opening Day was yesterday, but these are Royals predictions, and the Royals start their season tonight, so I’m not late. I selected some of the most important players to the team’s season and below I have two sets of predictions for those players, one good and one bad. I will call these categories “Good” and “Bad” for creative purposes. These predictions will be 100 percent correct or you get your money back.

Kris Bubic

Good: Bubic will bounce back from his 2025 rotator cuff injury to help solidify the middle of the Royals’ rotation. He’ll strike out more than a batter per inning while earning a bid to the All-Star Game, and while he’ll fatigue a bit down the stretch, his ERA will still be under 3.75.

Bad: The trade deadline will include rumors of teams’ interest in Bubic, even as the Royals publicly declare themselves buyers. Also, a national television network will employ AI for transcription as part of its FCC compliance efforts, which will lead to a nationally televised game in which Bubic’s last name gets bleeped every time it’s uttered by the broadcasters.

Jac Caglianone

Good: After a rough debut season, Cags starts to fulfill his potential with 25 homers, bolstering the middle of the KC lineup while also improving defensively to be roughly average in right field. When his contact is loud, it is REALLY loud.

Bad: His swing decisions and contact skills will occasionally lead to stretches of too many weak grounders. On August 7, Cags will have a bad hair day for the first time in eight years.

Cole Ragans

Good: Ragans will stay healthy for much of the year, allowing him to lead the league in strikeouts and earn another top-three Cy Young Award finish. Multiple Kansas City-area businesses will approach him with endorsement deals, including several barbecue restaurants.

Bad: The barbecue restaurants will debut a Coleslaw on their menus, until a listeria outbreak forces them to reverse course. On August 2 in Colorado, Ragans will give up three home runs to Nicky Lopez.

Maikel Garcia

Good: Fresh off his World Baseball Classic MVP award, Garcia will become a more vocal leader in the Royals clubhouse as he earns another All-Star bid and Gold Glove. His smile will earn him a spot in a Colgate commercial.

Bad: A sore wrist will contribute to a rough 0-19 stretch in late May. National broadcast announcers will continue to pronounce his name “Michael.”

Vinnie Pasquantino

Good: After getting his slow start out of his system in the World Baseball Classic, Pasquantino will begin the season with better production than in years past, and he’ll end the year as one of the top five first basemen in the league. His emergence as the leader of Team Italy in the World Baseball Classic will thrust Pasquatch into the national spotlight, including multiple endorsement deals. The endearing espresso escapades he initiated at the WBC will result in a visit to Kansas City from Espresso singer Sabrina Carpenter.

Bad: On September 12 while in Boston, a Red Sox fan barista will put an extra 12 shots of espresso in Vinnie’s order, and he will miss two games after scaling the Green Monster.

Carter Jensen

Good: During Sabrina Carpenter’s visit, she and Jensen will be mutually smitten, and so will begin the next KC athlete/blond pop star romance. His happiness will propel him to 24 home runs in the first half.

Bad: In late July, the relationship will end, and Sabrina will release a devastating breakup song in her signature style, with clever and catchy lyrics, and featuring a libido strong enough to crush a slab of granite into a fine powder. It will be an absolute bop and contender for song of the summer. Jensen will struggle some down the stretch, missing out on winning the American League Rookie of the Year.

Salvador Perez

Good: With his confidence soaring after Venezuela’s WBC championship, Salvy will begin the season scorching hot, hitting 13 dingers before the end of April. Jensen’s first half will also allow Perez to not catch as many games, leading to a strong finish to the year as he ends with 42 home runs, one of which will be on a pitch that bounces in front of the plate.

Bad: He’ll swing at a pitch that bounces in front of the plate no fewer than 52 times. On June 29, Betty Raes will be out of his favorite ice cream flavor. He will stop smiling for 14 seconds.

Bobby Witt, Jr.

Good: Finally untethered from the curmudgeons of Team USA, Witt will get to enjoy playing some ball. His focus on swing decisions from Spring Training will carry over to the regular season, and he’ll end the season with an OBP above .400. He will end the year with 30 home runs and 44 steals, while receiving another Gold Glove, Silver Slugger, and top-three finish in MVP voting.

Bad: Basically nothing. Okay, he will cut himself while shaving on June 2, but he’ll hit for the cycle and steal two bases later that day.

The Royals will win 88 games, missing out on the division title to the Detroit Tigers. They will still qualify for the postseason, and they will be knocked out in the Divisional Series by the Toronto Blue Jays. The Blue Jays will go on to win the World Series, because the universe kind of owes Canada at this point.

Now, I have another meeting with MLB officials to discuss my compensation. This meeting is at an abandoned warehouse, which is kind of weird. It’ll probably be fine.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out over the last few months to see how I’ve been doing since my brain effectively shoved a fork into an electrical outlet. It’s taken some time, but I’ve been feeling significantly better lately. I’m driving and going to the office regularly, and my mental fog has almost entirely lifted. I don’t feel like I’m 100 percent back to normal, but I am back to feeling like me, which is a good feeling to have.