Tips for Parenting a Toddler
Next up: how to lasso a shark.
Parenting can be hard sometimes. Parenting a toddler can feel impossible. Parenting a strong-willed toddler is a task that feels equally Herculean and Sisyphean, which is appropriate because parents have been attempting to successfully parent strong-willed toddlers since the times of ancient Greece, and no one has mastered it. I can absolutely picture Socrates’ mom rubbing the bridge of her nose before saying, “Because that’s what ZEUS decided was BEST, PLEASE GO TO SLEEP!”
Luckily for you, I’ve been parenting a strong-willed toddler for more than three years, and I’ve asked her to join me here as I offer some tips to oth— okay, where did she go?
She was right here a second ago. Wait, how did she get on top of the refrigerator? Get down from there!
The point is, our youngest daughter, to whom I affectionately refer as Joker in this digital space, has proven to be an excellent provider of opportunities when it comes to dealing with parenting a toddler. To clarify, this isn’t to say our oldest (Rainbow Flower) gave us no trouble in her toddler years. As first-time parents, we had plenty of difficult nights, but we got through it.
For me at least, this experience gave me a bit of confidence for this process with Joker.
This was my first mistake, which leads me to my first piece of advice:
Never Underestimate Your Toddler
They appear to be small and simple creatures, but toddlers can be complex beings. Like snowflakes, each one is unique, and under the right circumstances, equally capable of creating beauty or a 12-car pileup on the interstate.
Once your child is mobile, their ability to surprise is infinite. They’re essentially person-shaped superballs in diapers, and their unpredictability applies to both their actions and words.
About a year ago, I walked into Joker’s daycare classroom to pick her up. She smiled, opened her mouth, and a rock fell out. Like, a literal rock. From the playground. Outside.
Recently, I finished my morning workout and told her I was going to take a quick shower before breakfast. Her immediate response: “BYE BYE, STINKY!”
I mean, she wasn’t wrong, but still. Head on a swivel, people.
Do you agree, Jo— sorry, hang on.
Please do not run with a sucker in your mouth, sweetie, also, where did you get a sucker?
What do you mean, “your stash?” How do you even know what a “stash” is?
That being said, it’s also important to remember you likely have decades of life experience to rely upon, while your child likely assumes the Kansas City Chiefs have always been a dynasty.
Never Overestimate Your Toddler
You can likely convince your toddler that you disappeared down a flight of stairs behind your couch. If you were to tell them you stole their nose, they would believe you. I may not know you personally, but I’m relatively confident you could defeat the toddler in a game of one-on-one basketball.
You’re the adult, is the point.
The kid may be strong-willed, but that doesn’t mean you need to create a bulleted presentation on the logical fallacy they’re using. Sometimes all it takes to calm Joker’s hangry meltdown is a squeeze pouch of applesauce.
Speaking of that, where did your applesauce go? And why is your shirt wet?
Okay, well I appreciate you trying to clean yourself up, but it looks like you got in the bathtub fully clothed.
Ah, because you got in the bathtub fully clothed. Got it.
Let’s just keep this moving.
Remain Firm and Follow Through
This is a big one. Toddlers will test your boundaries over and over again, so unless you put your foot down and hold them to the consequences of their actions, they’re going to walk all over you.
For example, I told Joker last night that she needed to eat six bites of green beans before she could eat any dessert.
And how many bites did you eat?
Right, and because it was only two bites, did you get dessert?
Wait. You did? Where did you find tiramisu?
I am impressed you pronounced that correctly, but you weren’t supposed to eat dessert until you ate your vegetables. And tiramisu has coffee in it so I think that’s not— annnnnnd now she’s swinging around on the ceiling fan.
I didn’t personally provide that dessert, so the point still stands.
On the other hand, you do need to be able to adapt.
Be Flexible
As I mentioned, toddlers are unpredictable, so you need to be prepared to change your plans at a moment’s notice. If you want to make a toddler laugh, tell them your plans. (Or make a fart noise.)
You may have some expectations or predictions about how your toddler will respond to certain circumstances. Your initial prediction is wrong. Your second guess is wrong. Your third guess is partially correct, but only for two seconds.
One must be nimble when dealing with a toddler. Be the mongoose to their cobra.
Last week, I turned to Joker and said, “It’s time for bed, could you get your pajamas on, please?” And then she screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” So I let her stay up for another two hours, because it’s important to support your kids when they’re passionate about something.
Bring Snacks
No, Not Those Snacks, The Other Snacks
Wrong Snacks Again, They Want The Original Snacks They Initially Refused But Now Actually Cannot Live Without
It’s generally just a good idea to have a fully stocked pantry with you at all times.
Yes, we have the rainbow-colored Goldfish now.
Know That the Toddler Years End
Even the most strong-willed toddler eventually becomes the school system’s problem a school-aged child. It may be hard to remember that when they’re kicking the back of the driver’s seat, crying into an uneaten pile of mashed potatoes, throwing themselves onto the concrete at a well-attended outdoor holiday market, refusing to allow you to put in a hair tie at breakfast so they don’t get syrup in their hair ope now there’s syrup in their hair, displaying the strength of Samson during a meltdown, running into four doors every day because they’re not watching where they’re going, spilling a gallon of milk that they’re confident they can pour into their cereal, ripping apart various household objects, using markers to color things that are not coloring pages, scratching several layers of skin off of your face and resisting attempts to trim their fingernails, waking up at 4:00am with the energy of a hummingbird drinking Mountain Dew laced with speed, or coming home with various rocks and building blocks in their coat pockets while wearing someone else’s socks(?) that don’t match(??), but it will happen.
All purely hypothetical scenarios, of course.
As they say, Father Time is undefeated. But that’s only because toddlers are never stationary long enough to face him.
Know That Strong-Willed Toddlers Will One Day Rule the World
You know that moment in those cliché sci-fi movies, where the protagonists realize the robots are sentient, unstoppable beings, and it’s basically over for humanity?
Well, not long ago, I realized that not only was Joker funny, but also that she knows she’s funny.
I told her I needed to get a few things from Menards, and she yelled “I WANNA GO TO MENARDS” without saying the first syllable of the store name. I, being a human person, started laughing, and now, without fail, anytime she hears the word “Menards,” she shouts, “NARDS” and leans forward like an 80’s stand-up comic after a punchline.
Maybe a week later, we all went out for donuts on her birthday, and on the way home, my wife mentioned something about there being three donuts in the bag, which led to this exchange:
JOKER: YAY! I get to eat three donuts!
ME: Haha, no, sorry, you get one donut.
JOKER, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT: Yeah, one at a time.
Again, she’s three. She will argue with me, insisting things she doesn’t really believe simply because I’m a stubborn idiot who refuses to concede an argument in which I’m factually correct, and she finds that entertaining. I don’t know what to do with that other than begrudgingly tip my cap, and hope that she’ll be a benevolent ruler.
If your strong-willed toddler hasn’t already figured out how to unlock your phone and order an Uber, it’s likely only because they haven’t attempted it yet. A monkey given an infinite amount of time to type on a keyboard may not be able to recreate the works of Shakespeare, but give a toddler an afternoon with some sour straws and they would figure out how to successfully steal the Declaration of Independence. Their rise to power is inevitable, so it’s best if you recognize that now.
Joker, can I check my phone for a second, I’m expecting an important ca—
Oh yeah, no, no, not a big deal at all, you keep playing your game.
Oh. Huh. I didn’t know you could buy real estate on a cell phone, let alone an island country.
What it all boils down to, then, is fairly simple: toddlers are both wizards and wildebeests, and as long as you properly size them up while walking on the razor’s edge of discipline, eventually you will graduate to parenting a big kid who, some years from now, will hold your power of attorney and the nuclear arsenal of a dozen countries.
Piece of cake.
Oh, sorry, sweetie. We don’t have any cake in—
Yes, yes, of course we can go get one, right after we’re done here.
Okay, I guess we’re done here.
You can do this.
No, Joker, I’m driving this time.